1. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic and, while this cannot be measured scientifically, the more expensive the ball, the greater this water-magnetism.
2. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
4.Errors go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you keep your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.
5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
9. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
11. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.
12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
13. It's not a 'gimme' if you're still away.
14. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
15. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
16. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
17. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
18. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
19. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
20. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
21. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
22. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
23. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
24. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
25. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
26. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
27. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
28. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play
29. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
30. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
31. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
32. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
33. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
34. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
35. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
36. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
37. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
38. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
39. You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
40. A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer.
41. All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
42. An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.
43. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
44. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
45. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater that desire.
46. Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into water.
47. It’s easier to get up at 6 AM to play golf than at 10 AM to mow the yard.
48. The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the available supply decreases.
49. The secret of golf is: use your real swing to take the big divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always hit your do-over first.
50. Your best round of golf will be immediately followed by your worst round. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
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