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Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
 


 

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

 


 

Maryland: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us

 


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Hope never dies

A man driving outside of Baltimore, Maryland was southbound on Interstate 95 in the far right hand lane traveling at 55 mph, minding his own business. He noticed in his rear view mirror that a Maryland State Trooper was right behind him. A mile later nothing changed, except now he's driving at 65 mph, the maximum limit. Several miles further along, the Trooper's right on his bumper and the man increases his speed to 75 mph. The Trooper activates his lights and siren and the man reluctantly pulls onto the shoulder. After the Trooper demands the man's driver's license and registration, he sez, "Mr. {Smith}, I cannot for the life of me figure out why, when you knew I was behind you for quite some time, you sped up knowing that you could be cited for speeding. What in the world caused you to do that? The man looked relieved, stared the Trooper directly in the eye and softly spoke, "Trooper, three months ago, my wife ran off with a Maryland State Trooper. I thought you were him, bringing her back."

 


 

Columbia Maryland yuppette and her teenage niece from New York

A prominent Columbia Maryland Yuppette had her teenage niece from New York visiting for the summer. She decided to sit down and have a talk with the girl explaining how things were done in Yuppie City.
"Darling," she advised, "you must be careful of certain men who offer you several drinks. Before you realize it, they'll push you down on a couch and... well... our family will be disgraced."
Less than a week later, the Aunt asked her how things were going.
"Great!" said the girl. "A young stud did indeed try to ply me with liquor, but I made him drink them. Then, when he was bombed out of his mind, I pushed him down on couch and screwed his brains out. So it looks like our family's doing pretty damn good, huh?"

 

 


 

Re: San Jose doings...

Sheldon Scheney sent me this article in response to my post about the competition between San Jose's Mayor's office and San Jose's Police department as to which was funnier.
I had heard about the drug lord wedding sting. I always enjoy a good sting. The pawn shop sting was used successfully in Washington DC a few years ago. One of my favorites, if not quite a sting, was back when truckers were forming convoys to scoff the 55 mile an hour speed limit. Maryland State Police had an 18 wheeler they had confiscated hauling something illegal, so they used it as an unmarked police car. It would infiltrate convoys, identify the trucks, one by one as it either passed them or was passed by them, then the whole convoy was stopped and everybody ticketed.
Another I enjoyed was last December as I was driving up route 95 - a favorite highway up the east coast from Florida past many east coast cities like Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia, New York, heavily used by drug traffickers and individuals who dabble in drugs. On a long, straight stretch of highway in South Carolina, there was a big sign that read: SLOW. DRUG CHECK POINT AHEAD. About 2 miles ahead, you could see blue and red flashing lights on both sides of the highway. Just after the sign was an exit.
We were planning to exit there anyway, as we were hunting a place called "Old Sheldon." (My name is Sheldon, and I'm no spring chicken.) I commented to my wife, "That's not too smart - warning people in time for them to exit....unless the check point is down the exit. Sure enough, the exit road twisted back and forth a few times, then we went around a curve and there everybody was - cops all over the place, cars being disassembled, little white bags sitting on the ground, and a lot of very worried looking people standing around.
Since the exit was out in the middle of nowhere, anybody exiting there was a prime suspect. They asked me for identification and why I exited there. (There weren't even any gas stations to give you an excuse.) I pointed out my name was Sheldon and I was looking for a place called Old Sheldon. They told us to stay in the RV. They walked a drug sniffing dog around it and opened the back where the spare tire, electric plug, and sewer hose was, then they waved us through a couple of minutes later. That gave us enough time to observe what was going on.
We have local idiots in Maryland too. Montgomery county (Which I moved out of 5 years ago) is one of the three or four richest counties in the country. Northwestern High School was enlarged at a cost of $2 million. The following year, it was closed due to declining enrolement. A few years later, Blair H.S. needed major renovation because it was one of the oldest in the county. They decided to tear it down and replace it - but not on the same site. They will build the new school on a county run golf course close to where Northwestern was and replace the golf course by buying other land nearby - which is about the only undeveloped land in the area (formerly a country club until a highway went through it - and presently used by the YMCA. And very expensive per acre, I'm sure. And you need more land for a golf course than for a school.) No wonder taxes are so much lower where I live now - and the services as just as good.

 

 


  You can pronounce and spell "Pocomoke," "Mattaponi," "Accokeek,"
and "Havre de Grace"

You pronouce Baltimore as 'Bawdimor' or Bawlamer

You prononce "Bowie" BOO-ie not BOW-ie or BAUW-ie

1 hour is an easy commute to work

You have more than three recipies for crabcakes

French fries just don't taste right without Old Bay

There are more than two crab places in your town

Even your high school cafeteria made good crabcakes

You got your first lacrosse stick before you were six years old

You call all turtles "terrapins"

You refer to your state as "Merlind"

Your mother shops at Hecht's

You still call Six Flags America "Adventure World", or even "Wild World"

You still remember the Wild World commercial (Wild World's the cure for the summertime blues!)

You can tell the difference between the smells of septic and marsh.

You not only know how to eat hard crabs but you also know how to catch them, cook them and tell the males from the females.

You don't think that Assawoman Bay is a strange name for a body of water.

You know perfectly well why Rehoboth is called "Little San Francisco"

M R Ducks makes perfect sense.

So does C M Wangs.

You think Salisbury is a big city.

You think of dumplings as wet slippery squares of boiled dough.

You and your boss take off of work when the fish are running or the ducks are flying in..

You've eaten muskrat at a church dinner but think it's better the way you fix it.

You think of "Dairy Queen" as a pageant title and not a place to get an ice cream.

"Formal wear" is a ball cap, a flannel shirt and Timberlands.

You still root for the Orioles even when they suck

You'll never understand why tourists come to DC.

When in Florida, you can only laugh when you see signs saying "Real Maryland Blue Crab Cakes!"

You color with "Crowns", take a "Share" with "Wooter" and think the president lives in "Warshenton."

You know the difference between Glen Burnie ghetto and Catonsville ghetto.

Your whole family lives within a 200 mile radius of your town.

Dale Earnhardt's accident was a close personal loss to your father

At least one man in your family is a waterman

You plan for "The Festival" a year in advance.

During the summer, you spend more time in Ocean City than at home.

In warm weather, you sit out on your stoop

Frank Ski, Scott Donohoe and Mary Prankster are people you think are "Famous"

Your radio dial is stuck on 99.1 or 92Q

When the forecast calls for snow, you PANIC!
 

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