Jokes
John: Brad, will you get the phone?

Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can't! I'm playing Omega!

John: Ambar, will you get the phone?

Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (Sound of slamming door.)

John: Aimee, will you get the phone?

Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can't! I'm in the shower!

John: Glenn, will you get the -- (disgusted) Ah, Glenn's in Denver. Please leave a message.

A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.

Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.
I'm pretending that I'm marooned on a desert island with Dana Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence. Since I don't have a telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the sound of the beep, and maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few days. Then if the professor gets stranded here, we'll create a satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll get right back to you.
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
(Slight echo as if spoken in a large underground cave:) Help me, please help me. I'm down here in the thing you're holding in your hand. I can't get out because my leg is broken and my hand is stuck between two wires. Wait, what's that in the dark? OH NO, not a... a... a... Oh no, it IS! (Crunching noise.)
(Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can't take your call. Please leave us a message.
(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!
Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!)
Hi, I'm not sane right now, but if you leave your name, number and shoe size at the sound of the tone, I'll get back to you when and if I return to my senses.
(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.
(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

Hi, you've reached 474-2340. Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next! (evil laugh)
I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.
Hi, you've reached Meredith's room. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but my waveform has temporarily collapsed, so leave a message, and I'll call you when I've pulled myself together.
Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...
Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
Thank you for calling the Smith residence. Our operators are presently on strike in sympathy with Major League Baseball. Please leave a message.
Hi, this is the answering machine. I am on strike. Any messages you leave will be deleted.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(To the tune of Sidewalk Surfing by the Beach Boys:) Catch a quake and go seismo surfing with me... (Music fades.) Yo, Dudes and Dudettes! Grab your skateboard and head for the nearest epicenter, because *QUAKE'S UP*! As for me, I'm from New Jersey, so I'm gonna hide under the biggest doggone piece of furniture I can find. Leave your message at the tone, and I'll get back to you as soon as the shaking stops.
We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually.

Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up, I'll play my messages. Please leave one.
We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got.
(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor...
(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

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