Quote: You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time? Author: Anonymous
Quote: We the willing, following the unknowing are doing the impossible. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now able to do anything with nothing Author: Anonymous
Quote: I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by Author: Douglas Adams
Quote: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung Author: Voltaire
Quote: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical Author: Yogi Berra
Quote: I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up Author: Barbara Bush
Quote: Murphy's Laws (as posted in Arizona Humor) Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think Murphy's Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway. Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Author: Murphy's Law's
Quote: More of Murphy's Law Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a son-of-a-gun. Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so very ingenious. Murphy's Twelfth Law: Things get worse under pressure A few additions to Murphy's Laws ... To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout! Author: Murphy's Law's
Quote: Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. Author: Mae West
Quote: A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you. Author: Francoise Sagan
Quote: As punishment for my contempt for authority, Fate has made me an authority myself Author: Anonymous
Quote: You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven okay? Author: Dennis Miller
Quote: We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees - upon being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks Author: Jason Kidd
Quote: If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. Author: Jack Handey
Quote: Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. Author: Cathy Guisewite
Quote: It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them. Author: Alfred Adler
Quote: Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Author: Brendan Gill
Quote: Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. Author: Benny Hill
Quote: A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. Author: Don Quinn
Quote: It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live Author: Jack Handey
Quote: A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live Author: Jack Handey
Quote: Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. Author: Billy Rose
Quote: Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Author: Cordel Hull
Quote: There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. Author: Benjamin Franklin
Quote: I can resist everything except temptation. Author: Oscar Wilde
Quote: A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. Author: Arthur Block
Quote: Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. Author: Franklin P. Jones
Quote: The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Author: Jack Handey
Quote: What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. Author: Richard Harkness
Quote: The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. Author: Franklin P. Jones
Quote: All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. Author: Jane Wagner
Quote: Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. Author: Franklin P. Jones
Quote: Half of the people in the world are below average. Author: Anonymous
Quote: Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. {after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics}. Author: Charles Barkley
Quote: Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Author: Dave Barry
Quote: Calvin): People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. (Hobbes): Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? - Calvin and Hobbes Author: Bill Waterson
Quote: Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. Author: Rich Cook
Quote: I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge. Author: Edward Chilton
Quote: The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. Author: William Clayton
Quote: girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. Author: Rodney Dangerfield
Quote: When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! Author: Rodeny Dangerfield
Quote: My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too! Author: Rodney Dangerfield
Quote: Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. Author: Albert Einstein
Quote: A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. Author: W.C. Fields
Quote: Is being an idiot like being high all the time? Author: Janeane Garofalo
Quote: There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for. Author: Fred Hoyle
Quote: Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it. Author: Max Frisch
Quote: Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. Author: Jarger
Quote: Time's fun when you're having flies. Author: Kermit the Frog
Quote: Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. Author: John Lehman
Quote: After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles. Author: Ronnie Shakes
Quote: By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. Author: Socrates
Quote: I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. Author: Shirley Temple
Quote: The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. Author: Kilgore Trout
Quote: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Author: Lana Turner
Quote: Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Author: Mark Twain
Quote: The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!? - Calvin and Hobbes Author: Bill Watterson
Quote: The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson Author: Bill Watterson
Quote: I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. Author: Steven Wright
Quote: Hermits have no peer pressure. Author: Steven Wright
Quote: Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Author: Steven Wright
Quote: There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Author: Steven Wright
Quote: What a nice night for an evening. Author: Steven Wright
Quote: I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. Author: Jack Handy
Quote: If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. Author: Jack Handy
Quote: Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. Author: Jack Handy
Quote: If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. - Deep Thoughts ( Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Author: Jack Handy
Quote: Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes. Author: Jack Handy
Quote: I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handy
Quote: Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Advice From Kids Author: Joel
Quote: I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs. Author: Nancy Reagan
Quote: Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. Author: Will Rogers
Quote: My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Author: Erma Bombeck
Quote: I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Author: Sir Winston Churchill
Quote: Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Author: Lily Tomlin
Quote: Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. Author: George Carlin
Quote: I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? Author: Paul Merton
Quote: There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. Author: Steve Martin
Quote: I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Author: Les Dawson
Quote: The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney. Author: Steven Wright
Quote: First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. Author: George Burns
Quote: The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Author: Marty Feldman
Quote: We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. Author: Robin Williams
Quote: If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Author: Steven Wright
Quote: Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night. Author: Charlie Brown
Quote: I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress. Author: George Bush
Quote: USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. Author: David Letterman
Quote: Work is the curse of the drinking classes> Author: Oscar Wilde
Quote: Work is the curse of the drinking classes. Author: Oscar Wilde
Quote: Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong. Author: Geoff Arbuthnot
Quote: Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. Author: Jim Carrey
Quote: If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. Author: Dick Cavett
Quote: I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Author: Dave Edison
Quote: Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Author: Sue Murphy
Quote: Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Quote: A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Author: Spike Milligan
Quote: Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Author: Steven Wright
Quote: Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Author: Mel Brooks
Quote: I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet Author: Henry Youngman
Quote: I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Author: Emo Philips
Quote: Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Author: Steven Wright
Quote: I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb. Author: Freddie Starr
Quote: How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. Author: Spike Milligan
Quote: My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Author: Eric Morecambe
Quote: You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest. Author: Rowan Atkinson
Quote: I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. Author: Tommy Cooper
Quote: Security puts a premium on feebleness. Author: H.G. Wells
Quote: I have nothing to declare except my genuis. Author: Oscar Wilde
Quote: Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy. Author: Spike Milligan
Quote: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less. Author: Brendan Francis
Quote: At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. Author: Partick Moore
Quote: All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. Author: W.C. Fields
Quote: I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards. Author: Rudyard Kipling
Quote: Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere. Author: George Burns
Quote: I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. Author: Joan Rivers
Quote: The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. Author: Rita Mae Brown
Quote: If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. Author: George Gobol
Quote: Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. Author: Dave Barry
Quote: Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk. Author: Stephen King
Quote: Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids. Does this mean that the other three enjoy it. Author: Sal Davino
Quote: Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair. Author: George Burns
Quote: Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. Author: Richard Jeni
Quote: Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Author: Napoleon Bonaparte
Quote: I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? Author: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Quote: Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. Author: Tiger Woods
Quote: My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. Author: Jack Nicholson
Quote: Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Author: Roseanne
Quote: There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked. Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Quote: The New England Jornal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot. Author: Jay Leno
Quote: When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually. Author: Anonymous
Quote: Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Author: Anonymous
Quote: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Author: Anonymous
Quote: You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax; tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Author: Pearl Williams
Quote: I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Author: Ed Bluestone
Quote: I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder Author: Anonymous
Quote: For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Author: Anonymous
Quote: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Author: Anonymous
Quote: One thing you can't recycle is wasted time. Author: Anonymous
Quote: The very first step to building wealth is to spend less than you make. Author: Brian Koslow
Quote: Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. Author: Anonymous
Quote: One should love animals. They are so tasty. Author: Anonymous
Quote: Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice? Author: Anonymous
Quote: I've watched so many mystery stories on T.V, when I turn off the set I wipe my finger-prints off the dial. Author: Anonymous
Quote: Once in a while you have to take a break and visit yourself. Author: Audrey Giorgi
Quote: It is hard to look up to a leader who keeps his ear to the ground. Author: James H. Boren
Quote: Women say all men are the same, but they have no problem telling you how different you are from Mel Gibson. Author: Anonymous
Quote: Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. Author: Pablo Picasso
Quote: All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men. Author: Isaac Asimov
Quote: To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. Author: Paul Ehrlich
Quote: UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. Author: Dennis Ritchie
Quote: I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar. Author: Stephen Wright
Quote: I invented the cordless extension cord. Author: Stephen Wright
Quote: I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious Author: Stephen Wright
Quote: I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Author: Stephen Wright
Quote: Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Author: Stephen Wright
Quote: I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. Author: Eddie Izzard
Quote: Room service? Send up a larger room. Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night. Author: Charlie Brown
Quote: Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. Author: Jim Carrey
Quote: I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets Author: Dave Edison
Quote: I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. Author: Henry Youngman
Quote: I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Author: Emo Philips
Quote: You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest. Author: Rowan Atkinson
Quote: In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Quote: I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom Author: Bobe Hope
Quote: Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Author: Joan Rivers
Quote: There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. Author: Robert Orben
Quote: We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. Author: Jeff Marder
Quote: I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day. Author: Dean Martin
Quote: I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop. Author: Noel Coward
Quote: Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends. Author: Janis Joplin
Quote: My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Author: Ed Furgol
Quote: I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Author: Charles Lamb
Quote: Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Author: Spike Milligan
Quote: The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train. Author: Robert Lowell
Quote: What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. Author: Henny Youngman
Quote: Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' Author: Joe Namath
Quote: When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years. Author: Anonymous
Quote: He who can does - he who cannot, teaches. Author: George Bernard Shaw
Quote: In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. Author: Mark Twain
Quote: In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. Author: Emo Philips
Quote: Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Author: Alex Levine
Quote: The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. Author: Anton Chekhov
Quote: It's not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people who aren't. Author: Arthur Gore
Quote: I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls. Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. Author: Jimmy Durante
Quote: The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. Author: Jilly Cooper
Quote: Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. Author: Daniel J. Boorstin
Quote: I don't care what you say about me, as long as you say something about me, and as long as you spell my name right. Author: George M. Cohan
Quote: In the future everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes. Author: Andy Warhol
Quote: I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Author: Spike Milligan
Quote: He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. Author: George Bernard Shaw
Quote: Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far. Author: Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. Author: Charles de Gaulle
Quote: What's wrong with being a boring kind of guy? Author: George Bush
Quote: The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination. Author: Voltaire
Quote: When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal. Author: Richard Nixon
Quote: All animals are equal but some are more equal than others. Author: George Orwell
Quote: My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes. - During radio microphone test Author: Ronald Reagan
Quote: I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they terrify me. Author: Duke of Wellington
Quote: If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Author: John Wayne
Quote: First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging! Author: Denis Healey
Quote: First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging! Author: Denis Healey
Quote: We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run down. Author: Aneurin Bevan
Quote: All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: Thank God I'm an atheist. Author: Luis Bunuel
Quote: The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. Author: George Burns
Quote: Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. Author: Victor Borge
Quote: Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Author: Charles D. Warner
Quote: Be kind to people on the way up - you'll meet them again on your way down. Author: Jimmy Durante
Quote: There is only one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes' he's not honest. Author: Groucho Marx
Quote: A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. Author: Mark Twain
Quote: I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. Author: W.C. Fields
Quote: All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. Author: Alexander Woollcott
Quote: Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules. Author: George Orwell
Quote: Serious sport is war minus the shooting. Author: George Orwell
Quote: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Author: Emo Philips
Quote: Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. Author: Darrin Weinberg
Quote: History is more or less bunk. Author: Henry Ford
Quote: I'm fat, but I'm thin inside…there's a thin man inside every fat man. Author: George Orwell
Quote: Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) Author: Jack Handey
Quote: I'm not a blonde!! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Author: Anonymous
Quote: If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me. Author: Jack Handey
Quote: The trouble with bein early is that nobody's there 2 appreciate it but then again if ur late everyone's there 2 be unappreciative Author: Dana Swift
Quote: My mother is blind in one and and can shift better than that" Author: Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift
Quote: I don't like just debit, so I will take all the credit Author: Donny Van Cave Great Guy
Quote: I saw an elderly woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, "eighty two?" Author: charles mooney
Quote: "If life gives you apples, eat them. If life gives you lemons, throw them at a wall and say 'the heck with that!' " Author: Bri Jan
Quote: If life gives you lemons - make grapejuice. Then sit back and let people wonder how you did it. Author: Kigichi Ishiritari ^^ love de funny stuffs!
Quote: if you dont laugh at your self, your missing the best joke. Author: borland
Quote: When things are down it'll all turn around. When things are up, you gotta throw the hammer down. Author: Kelly Holder Teacher at Mt. Airy High School. Coaches Football.